WAITING FOR GODHO! written by Francesca N O'Keefe

Who am I to tell someone to apologize or when to apologize? We all make mistakes right? And we all know how to apologize? However the process of forgiving takes a while. Is forgetting is forgiving? How many things we can forgive or forget? I think if someone doesn’t repeat the same mistake they've still got a chance to be forgiven.
11 am in the morning in Istanbul. I had a guest, which was a cat in my home, name Pasha. I am like a real writer now. Typing and a cat landed by my side from nowhere? I am scared the cat might jump out of the windows. So windows are closed. Funny but it had happen to the rabbit that I bought for a friend. It jumped out of a balcony just like that. So I am scared. I am scared of what will or would happen before I can go on.
No more birds chirping nor seagulls flying above my head. I miss going away. There will be a moment I will leave again. It is the nature of my life.
I am apologizing from my life. It sucks at the moment. Still I can’t jump off the balcony like my rabbit. Thinking like her; I will land safely on the ground.
There is this unbearable missing towards something. I want to take a boat trip and just fish for 1 month. Only action I want to take is in the name of thinking is playing chess against myself.
The thing you call miracle, doesn't happen with one person maybe. These warm days will pass. These glory of living will give me my present of my life.
I was watching this singer singing in a colosseum then another performer. Full of people listening one song and then waiting for one glimbs of smile or a laughter.
Then I have noticed. Someone took away from me my dreams from me while I was in my sleep. Then it reminded me the reason of living. A man without a dream is no one. Am I no one? Yes maybe I've lost my dreams. So I live like no one. But here again a little deep note to my God and to your God. May God give us back all of our dreams. May we all live our dreams. And live a life dream come true. Other wise no reason to hang on to something it doesn't belong to you.
Never mind me today. Life has always it's own weight when you share what you have and when you dream.
So I am waiting for my Godho to bring me back my dreams....

In love, Las Vegas Written By Francesca Nina O'Keefe

I can’t breathe until you’re resting with me. It always feels like you’re resting here with me. So much harmony is around you while I live. I don’t even want to move at times. It feels like it’ll change my memory….
Is whatever happens in Las Vegas become like Lost in Vegas? No, I do know what I want, I just won’t go, I can’t hide, and I can’t leave…
Never let me go! Love me more and more!
I am lost in your wilderness.
Since I left you I grow. I became a woman of my own,
After you lost me, maybe there is a sunset blvd. in our life that we belong to Red so Red bar our drink is whisky…
I am f……ng off these days with others.
Maybe one day you can be like me and hold my hand to bungee jump out of our world.
So we can run away for good….
Until we wake up on one pillow. Until we die.
I want to dream of that moment. Until the last day of my life, without any regret…
If god created me for you, you’ll find your way to find me wherever I am…
Loving you is the best thing I can do….
Leaving you is, Just for you to come back (return) to me…
I wish you understand me and care and value me as much as I value and care for you. But, such as life.

UNDER THE TUSCAN SUN written by Francesca Nina O'Keefe

Once I was on a plane and traveling . A lady sat by me. We talked for a while and she read some of my writings. She told me to watch "under the Tuscan sun". And she told me there is a character called "Francesca" just like me. Strangely enough I haven’t watch the movie for 2 years. Two years later I was having one of my lazy Sundays. I sat, turn on the movie. As soon as I heard "Francesca" I said what the heck maybe there this magic message from the universe “The Secret” Yes I watch that too. It works funky with me. But this time it was strange. Now I live very close to the wedding ballroom. So Saturdays and Sundays are too much traffic around here in Istanbul. Everybody is getting married. It’s banging in my ears. I don’t want to get married. But it makes me feel I should want that. What kind of man can handle me? For sure a rare breed! Someone with no complex! Whom not competing with others or me.

Anyways. In the movie , This Francesca went to Tuscany bought a house. In the house she wanted to have a family, wedding and a child.

At first her friend who was pregnant came, had the baby she watched, and then she had a young worker who fell in love with a rich girl. They got married in her home.

She watched all of her friends. Then she met this handsome Italian romantic guy. He swept her off her feet with nice words. She was staying with her ways. She went out and changed her black dress to white dress. He liked white. He went to the other town she followed him and her heart. Ups. The guy was with another Italian chick. She came back her home. Broke things and cried.

And at the wedding party of her emplyee She noticed a thing. There was a wedding in the house and a family. Future. She lay on the couch content. And then this man came in to her life out of the blue. Picked a ladybug from her arm. And she began a new life….

Can we do this? For every woman can be a man the way they want? I think he’s out there in the universe.

But remember the secret….

1- Don’t settle less or more! Settle for what you looking for.

2- Be available and get rid of the old one. The one makes you unhappy lies to you but comes back to you with a charm. And you maybe are accepting him back. Say no this time. Start fresh.

3- If a man tells you ; you’re not in his criteria or he doesn’t like to get up watch you putting a make up on; He’s not for you, He’s probably in love with an image of you rather then you .I repeat again you deserve better.

One day I feel you’ll find that man maybe a ladybug will bring it you. He will care for who you are. Not what can you do for him. He will just be there and enjoy watching you under the Tuscan sun waking up. Walking and maybe getting old gracefully on a chair sitting side by side and enjoying nice glass of wine over the sunset with a breeze of life.

Madness by Francesca Nina O'Keefe

FRANCESCA"I KNOW"

FRANCESCA"IF I CAN"

"NECROPOLIS"

FRANCESCA"IF I CAN"

BEING WITHOUT YOU STARTS WITH BEING WITH YOU written By Francesca Nina O'Keefe

Without you, starts with you! It starts with your unnecessary doubts and suspicions. It starts with your capricious blames on me for doing things when I don't do anything. An artist is not only your lover or property. An artist property of the public. An artist should be shared. That's the way it goes. An artist day begins without making love thinking and producing. If you go against this then it will start conflict of being without you while with you. There's this softness on the pillow with humble welcome. There's this unshared cold rooms in the house with dampness of tears on the walls. When there's this cold no woman putting out bosoms out of the windows. There's this faraway stolen metropolitan city from me. I live in the world between sick and not sick. There's a world, where my love always tested in it, like urine test. I don't get where am I with this love? Soon there it is! A silence in the room, collapsed. While you're peeling potatoes and chirping the eggs with wild passion nervously Teoman sings to Lily, I can't be without you! http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xgvhvi_nylufer-teoman-sensyz-olmaz_music
I'm sitting on the berjer chair by the window apposed to the sea like a refuge cat ready to give birth. The trees are bare naked this winter. I'm 50 foot away from the sea. While you're angry at me. Teoman's song says; Lily can't be without you. I forgot I loved to tango. I forgot how Tango was beautiful. You ask me in the middle of writing mood, if these potatoes can be eaten when its flowers ? I say your mother says it can't be eaten, you asked me what I think? I say I eat it nothing happened to me yet. You stop peeling the Potato , you come by me to put a kiss on my lips. You tell me this should be our song from now on! Name of the song is, would not be without you! What if while we're in love, we don't love each other? What if our hearts wants to be free and not tied to anywhere. What if the time is before the sunset, then no dawn? Neither I sit alone in this berjer? Nor two people can't fit in to this chair? No fire in the fireplace, it makes you clear to see the absence of warmth at this home. Too many potatoes you pealed for four eggs. You were cold so I wrapped my blue scarf around your waist. I sat, I wrapped to myself in to space. My feet are cold. There are blows on your head. Again you hit your head somewhere. Struck down and made love to me like a man for 10 times. Would continue to make love but you're eyes were out of your eye-sockets. At first you were my problem. Now you're my great responsibility. I'm living with you, without you all the time. Behold, I say, but I slip back into my old flame. But that would be the old version of this story with no difference. "No one is", "no different"! Stories are the same, characters are different that is all. I decided. Men do not know love. Only Women know how to love. Unfortunately, the weather is cold, sharp as nails going through my skin. This home, got to have a new layout. Then I need to go without leaving a half job behind. It must be destiny to be a Queen while being a slave of someone else. Tonight, I want you to drink my blood! Lets leave shame, no shame, sin, wrong behind. Lets live, so we don't live without us, while living together. I'm hungry! Suck me!

DEPART written by Francesca Nina O'Keefe

There is this funny look left behind after this sad depart from heart of cloud. Leaving is the story of my life. This morning I departed from my home, my bed, my street, my coffee shop. I arrived to the airport so late. I hate me. I fell asleep for the first time. 5 am took a taxi. Demand to the taxi driver taking the La Cienega Blvd. While in the taxi battling with the airline people fixing my ticket, I hate flying in the middle of the winter out of Los Angeles. When there is great weather begging for me to stay I don't even look back, easily packed my everything in ten to fifteen minutes. I know I'm late for something. I know I'm late to feel again. I passed through the roof tops while leaving Los Angeles. Mexican town lost in American continentant. On the plain I was worrying about if I'm going to make it to my later flight 4: 45 pm made a big mistake. All I made was to New York. Over the Pacific Ocean. Pacific Ocean was frozen. Turbulences after turbulence as if we shook the hands of God. Maybe God shooked the plain of the clouds with scare. Or pilot was high. My connecting flight took off without me. The story of my life. I'm in the jungle of New York somewhere between china town and 55th and 2nd Ave. Streets are ice cold. Everything shrinks down to size zero here. Thai restaurant was nice. No appetite of love or life. Something’s leaving my soul without giving me the notice. This heart should not be this cold. This life should not be this dull. I'm between adopting a pet or a kid. I live far, far out of my mind these days. Touch me' this is the last take we will have before my departure.

GOLDEN BOY TANJU COLAK (CHOLAK) AND HIS COME BACK KID STORY written by Francesca Nina O'Keefe

Golden boy Tanju Colak (Cholak) journay began in the small town Trabzon/Turkey continued with major leagues. He became a first Turkish goal champion in Europe. He had achieved a golden shoes award. He was and he is such a down to earth athlete.
We create Heros in Turkey, but we take the greatest pleasure to kill the heros we created. Tanju Colak my childhood hero is in my mind always. I do not know why? I have been following him. And what has be doing for under the financial difficulty kids. And I say bravo. He became a very good coach for kids. The output of his career as a top scorer in Europe announced as the first Turk. I think from Tanju's career no different from Maradona or Pele. Maradona learnt football on the streets of Argentine. Pele learnt it in the rain forests. Tanju came from nothing, grew in the back streets of Trabzon. Then His career strolled in to European football stadium like a Turkish hurricane. He was the first Turkish footballer used back kick like Pele. So he bend it like Pele. He was an real athlete. He is actually very humble. He was not one those snobs like todays football stars.. Yeah I think Tanju was best Turkish footballer and was best ever. Who led the recent end of his career? Turkish Actress Hulya Avsar and their affair was out on papers and his career inclined. It takes two to Tango. But the biggest factor in finishing his career was his forbidden love. He was proud but not ashamed of is doings. Behind that man this woman had a past filled with shame. I always write things, but people likes to read between the lines. They do take paragraphs out of the context. But whatever there is between these paragraphs. Tanju Colak career was wasted by fundamental people. And people cared more about his personal life rather than his football. Tanju Colak have done in the past, no matter what the condition of his life willingly or with force of financial difficulty forced him to the thinks he'd done, Tanju Colak (the comeback kid story) I love it. If you are trying to write a book of a man with this turbulent life and career from a Black Sea, this crazy kid had guts to finish his book, with the last chapter he completes with such a signature move and if this life should be written in to a movie one day it should end like this. In spite of everything these days, the family of clusters has demonstrated by the mastery of the dark world of magazine. His respect for the protection of them unbelievable. Mr Tanju Colak I don't know you personally. But your career in helping kids with financial trouble these days, taking them out of the streets and teaching them football, going from town to town giving them joy of sports and love finally, made me feel; At the end you did your famous back kick. I would like to congratulate you. Your leave was sad but your return was fantastic. Keep on going.

I'M BORED! Written By Francesca N O'Keefe

One of my ex lover told me today he was bored of me. Tell you the truth; I was more bored of him. So I laughed at myself. I was bored of him emotionally and financially. What kind of smart man will tell his girl friend before splitting up, he's bored? Well, I'm so bored of him I can blow up! In reality we women get bored all the time, we never show. I'm bored of being with someone and living with no one. I'm bored of people taking away from me more than giving me something. I'm bored of this windy mornings. I'm bored of the same bed, the same under-wears, the same home and the same type of man in my life. I am bored. I'm bored of ignorance. I'm bored of helping others giving them advise while I can't even advise myself. I'm bored of giving up my freedom for the people in my life. If I wake up I don't have the cheese I liked on the table. I do want to make a fuss about it too. I do want to lay on the couch and make a fuss about it. I do want to get mad when my pasta not have the souse I want. I do want to break everything. I'm bored too. When someone doesn't buy me the things I want, I do want to hit the ground with my foot like a little girl and scream. I do want to sit at the cafe shop in Paris and sip my Café Olé. I'm getting bored when those things doesn't happen. I do want to go to Argentine and tango all night with a man I don't even know of. I do want to dip my toes in to the sea from a nice yacht in Monaco. I want to have the luxury to say in the middle of the way from no where out of no reason. I want to say; I am bored. The Champagne's cork was opened with a splash. My feet were cold. So I worn socks. There is a loneliness serenade in my heart. While spring leaves sprinkling on the streets sun bursts in to the scenery. These springs, winters, summers are fake! I'm cold or I'm warming up. This violin concerto, this piano drives me crazy. I'd say lets make love but we can get bored. Meanwhile if we're bored of each other when we are not together, we really must be bored. I'm bored of getting sick. I'm bored of walking. I'm bored of eating but not digesting. Yes, I'm bored of everything and everyone this morning except writing. Writing doesn't bore me today. Before I forgot I've met his dream of shadow today. I said to him hello can I sit by you? I changed my mind left the table. Yes, just he did not bore me! But I didn't want to get bored by him.

SIKILMAK ( İNGİLİZCE OLARAK ''I'' YI ''İ''OKUYUN) Yazan Francesca N O'Keefe

Sevgililerimden biri ben den ayrılırken benim dengesizliğimden sıkıldığını yazmış. Çok güldüm. Sıkılmak; Ay ben de çok sıkıldım. Hemde inanılmaz......! Maddi manevi sıkıldım!( bu kelimeyi ingilizce okumaya devam) Hangi akıllı adam sevgilisinden ayrılırken sıkıldım kelimesini kullanır ki? Hangi akıllı adam böyle bir tufaya düşer? Aslında biz kadınlar o kadar çok sıkılıyoruz ki ama hiç belli etmiyoruz. Bende sıkıldım.Bu biriyleyken hep yalnız yaşamaktan. Ben de sıkıldım boş yere sinirlenip yumuşamaktan. Hayatımdan benden alıp gidenlerden bende sıkıldım. Rüzgarlı sabahlardan. Aynı yataktan, aynı yatak odasından aynı iç çamaşırlarından. Aynı tip erkeklerden bende sıkıldım. Sıkıııııldım sıkıldım. Cehaletten ona buna akıl vermekten ama kendime akıl vermekten aciz olmaktan. Bende sıkıldım onun bunun için özgürlüğümden hayatımdan fedakarlıklar etmekten. Bende bir sabah uyanıp masada istediğim peynir olmayınca avazım çıktığı kadar bağırıp bir koltukta yayılmak istiyorum. Ben de sıkıldım. İstediğim kıyafet alınmayınca tepinmek. Makarnam sossuz yapılınca ortalığı yıkmak istiyorum. Bende istiyorum Pariste Café Olé imi içmek. Sıkılıyorum bunlar olmayınca hep sıkılıyourum. İktidarsızlık o kadar çok var ki etrafta. Arjantine gitmek ve tanımadığım bir adamla bütün gece tango yapmak istiyorum. Bende ayaklarımı tekneden Monaco da tekneden sarkıtıp ıslatmak istiyorum. Bende yola devam edip yarı yolda sıkıldım deme lüksünü istiyorum. Bu baharlar, bu kışlar, bu yazlar yalancı. Şampanyanın mantarı çoktan fırlamış. Ayaklarım üşümüz çorabımı giymişim. Yalnızlık serenatı var bu kalpte. Sonbahar yaprakları varken caddelerde bir hışımla haber vermeden usulca çıkıyor güneş. Bir üşüyorum, bir ısınıyorum sıkıntıdan. Bu keman konçertosu, bu piano beni mahvediyor. Sevişelim diyecem ama sıkılabiliriz. Bu arada biribirimizin yanında olmadan sıkılıyorsak gerçekten sıkılıyoruzdur. Hasta olmaktan sıkıldım. Yürümekten sıkıldım. Yemek yiyip hazım edememek ten sıkıldım. Evet ben herşeyden herkezden sıkıldım. Bir tek ,bir tek yazmaktan sıkılmadım bu gün. Birde onun hayaliyle karşılaştım merhaba dedim ona bu gün. Ondan sıkılmadım....

REALITY OF HEALTH ISSUES IN LOS ANGELES AND ULCER written by Francesca N O'Keefe

If you ever get an ulcer; If you are young, no doctor will diagnose you! Since you're young they won't even advise you to have colonoscopy or endoscopy. In Los Angeles if you get sick and if you don't have an insurance you're better of crossing over the mexican border. Because doctor's won't waste their time with you. They are money makers for the drug companies and the hospitals. Sorry to disappoint you, but most of them are ripping off the insurance companies as well as the patients. Here is my example. I went to the doctor E.R. Doctor could not diagnose me at all and send me home prescribed me anti acid over the counter. Then he'd sent me through the hospital 850 dollars bill, just taking my temperature listening to me. Doctor's have no patience over patient. They really don't want to even touch you unless you're insured. If you tell them you have no insurance and you want to pay in cash they charge you the same amount when you have insurance. How? Say your treatment costs 5000 bucks you end up paying with insurance 2000 bucks. If you don't have insurance your bill is 2000 bucks. So with or without insurance what you pay is the same. Unless your leg is chopped off or you have cancer in your family getting insurance is useless. If you have a top insurance that is great. Well lets get back to ulcer. Since doctors can't diagnose you. I advice you write down your own symptoms on a piece of paper. And research it on line. Yes, diet is the key. Don't drink alcohol, eat chocolate or greasy food. STAY AWAY FROM THEM! Meditate and relax. Get away from stress. You can try to go water diet. Which means you do not eat anything or drink anything but water one whole day. Next day add french bread with your meal. Do not eat meat next day. Eat only Turkey in the afternoon. No matter what you do , you have to find a way to get colonoscopy and endoscopy. And ulcers has to be treated. And if you don't have insurance in Los Angeles. They (hospital people) will tell you can go to county hospital. However it is very difficult. As I mention before you better just cross the mexican border!:))) Good luck and get well!

I WILL SURVIVE CEDARS SINAI! written By Francesca N O'Keefe

I was so sick past 20 days. 2 days before New Year's Eve I was taking some cheap Aspirin. New Year's Eve drank too much on top it. I ate middle eastern restaurant in Glendale. I dance all night with my friends. I was so happy. After that day I got so sick cramp in my stomach got worsen. I ended up in the emergency room. They were nice to me at the Cedars Sinai. They gave me a blanket and a bucket right before I was dying from severe pain. They took me in. The Nurse was nice. He took me in took my blood pressure. Then he sat front of his computer started to write my symptoms. Doctor took me in 25 minutes later. He was nice listen to my story. Put a cream on his glove sticked his finger up my ass. Took a sample. And said ''hmm so clean'' I said yes I wipe it with a wet tissue when I go to the bathroom. He could not find blood. Even I bleed 2 days ago. He gave me some anti acid medicine, pepcid and said okay I will discharge you today. You can go home. Just don't take Aspirin. And get Upper GI Endeskopy.
Okay I'm a European chick. I live here recently became an American citizen. But every time I have an Emergency I go to the E.R they do simple tests that doesn't cost them much. Send me a bill 800 bucks to 2000 bukcs. How crazy is that? Just for Prescribing me pepcid I get these funky service and the bill on top and I am still not healed. So I sat home in pain wrote down the symptoms and did a research. I found out what I have. Heliobacter Pylori/Ulcer.
Then again my friend's daughter is still stuck at the hospital at the Emergency room just because he can't pay the bill 2000 grant. On top of it when she went in, she had some pain like I did. But they gave her wrong medicine and got her sicker.
So first lesson in America. If you are an American and if you don't have insurance be your own doctor. Medi-cal and Medi-caid don't pay colonoscopy and Endeskopy. Free clinics are full of people they won't care for you unless you are dying. I suggest you go to Mexico or go to some European country. In America health system Emergency rooms are nothing but bank machines of hospitals and drug companies. They invest most of their money in to researching disease rather than healing them. And selling drugs all over the world cheaper than here. Insurance companies founded by drug companies. They rip each other off. It is so bad soon we will have to operate ourselves. I bet 2050 Microsoft will make a new software so we can operate ourselves. In America working in the field of Health considered the same as cleaning human toilet. Majority Hospitals and Doctors in America absolutely have no dignity. I guess no hospitals listens or obeys the law of Obama. Hospitals and the health systems makes their own rules suck everyones money and not heal people. I am so angry first million I make I will open up a free clinic.
I will make a reality show called if you think your hospital's great!

OF-COURSE Written By Francesca N O'Keefe

Of course this morning I woke up early. Of course I've been sick for a while. Of course I will not spent time translating my writings in to English it won't make any sense. Of course I miss Troy. He's in me. I'm in him. Of course I will catch up my late meetings will make my unmade phone calls. Of course I was sick for 17 days I had cramps in my stomach. Of course Turkey is in chaos. Turkey is like a big bagel shop. Of course Aziz Nesin was greater Turkish writer/thinker. Of-course West hollywood, Beverly hills, Malibu is beautiful today. Of course I should've changed my locks long time ago and new keys for my home and my heart. Of course they take woman in jail with false prosecution of prostitution. Of course there are brothels own by government in Turkey. Of-course they put them through for ugly testing process when they don't test man. Of course I should write. Of course there are so many imitation of my writings. Of course friends, family's are backstabbers, vultures. Of course I was lazy for 17 days. Of course last night I hanged around gay bar and I was hit on by a gay guy. Of course the best thing about getting sick is getting well. Of course they fucked the sea and the atmosphere of Istanbul, but they made new roads. of course most people follows fundamental freaks rather than smart people. Of course every one acts as if they're mother Theresa when they are bunch of nymphomaniacs. Of course most people had sex at the bar's toilet except I. Of course everyone has a dirty fantasy. Whoever says opposite masturbating himself/herself! Of course one day they will make my monument here in America. And it will be called free will and free lived honorably! Of course I figured out my speaker cable this morning. So I have loud music. Of course everyone loves me when I'm flying rather than walking. Of course I will write and paint always and buy a little home Hollywood Franklin and Asmali Mescit in Istanbul. Of course Bukowksi only will be remembered as long as I live to write about him. Of course Troy and I are very flirtatious people. Of course somethings should be far away from me in order to be loved. Of course I should get a way from people demoralizes me. of course when I write front of my laptop I should be in nude. of course there are people who thinks their shit doesn't stink in this life even when it does! Of course there are so many fake followers my writings tagged me to their writings. Of course if we end up alone so what! Of course Troy will visit me here. He lives in me. I live in him. Of course these of course's endless.....!